No nonsense Traffic Cop

This is a brilliant capture I recently received on email. Thought you all might enjoy it.

Southern Highway – would you dare?

Now that the opening up of southern highway is just around the corner, a few of us at work have been contemplating when it would be “safe” to get on it. The estimates varied. Here is a summary.

At least after the first 6 months : Reason being that the moment it opens up, there will be a flood of morons who would try to taste what it would be like to legally drive at 100kmph – assuming that it would be very different to doing the same illegally as they have done since getting behind a vehicle for the first time. The only silver lining here is that it will probably eliminate some of these brain-cell-challenged-maniacs – probably a few offspring of some ministers together with their expensive duty-free rides. I just hope they won’t take a few innocent folks with them when they go.

In the first 6 months and then from 18 months onwards : Essentially stay away from the road 12 months after the first 6 months. The argument here is that during the first 6 months, sanity will prevail and people will hopefully take it slow – what this being a new thing and all. After that they will slowly gain confidence and try to push the limits. “If 100kmph is legal, what’s the fun in driving at that?”. This will last for about 12 months until authorities wake up and start putting cops behind trees with speed guns, sniper guns and bribe collecting tins.

Never, infact take the Galle road : Two reasons for this. First is that our drivers don’t use their indicate lights for a toss and the break-lights don’t work on most vehicles that were made two years or earlier – and as my friend rightfully pointed out, at 100kmph both those mistakes can often be fatal. The second reason being that most morons out there would have started using the new highway. Galle road will become relatively moron-free.

Personally, I will adopt a wait-and-see policy on this.

Information overload

I was driving home from work after a particularly hectic Monday when my mind started wondering; not very healthy especially when you are supposed to concentrate on your driving when all around you there is this complete chaos that is known as Colombo Traffic. Incidentally, driving to and back from work seems to be the only time I get to relax and set my mind free these day. You'll know what I am talking about if you too had a 16 month toddler darting around the house and trying to eat out of the garbage can the moment you take your eyes off her.

Anyway,...

My mind was wondering... What's on Telly tonight? When will I ever get hold of HG2G? What happened to that Japanese Restaurant near Koswatte Junction? Which political party is Ranil in now? When will be the next T20 match that Sri Lanka plays in?...

While mulling over all those unanswered questions, I just happened to notice the sheer number of billboards that are on either side of the road. My God, it seems like just about every property had put up signs that seem to scream out for attention. Suddenly I found myself playing the spot-the-building-without-a-signboard game. And I was losing hopelessly. Can just about anyone put up a billboard? Don't they need approval from the local council or something? Something is seriously wrong somewhere. My relaxing drive home was not so relaxing anymore. I needed a break.

Just about then I realized my wallet had a mere 150 rupees of cash left in it. Few years back it would have bought me a good 2 litres of quality ice cream, but these days I'd be lucky to get a few "wadais" in exchange for that cash. So I decided to stop at the ATM that was 200 meters further up the road. Usually I hate to stop before I get to my destination, but this time I was glad to take a break from the unsolicited information overload I was getting from all those screaming billboards.
Ah, there is the ATM - and no queue either. I got down from the car and went straight into the enclosure. I took one look at the stickers pasted on the face of the ATM and exhaled with a long sigh.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why anyone would want to paste two stickers, virtually identical information on both, next to each other. Can you?

Elephants, Trishaws and the Tropics

What I love about this part of the world is that you witness something different every time you step on to the road. It is never boring. Of course you have some people who always complain about the traffic situation, indiscipline on the road and such. I too occasionally have been guilty of doing it. But those come as part and parcel of living in this part of the world.

Take yesterday morning for instance; I was driving to work as usual when I happened to see a huge elephant - a magnificent tusker at that - calmly strolling down the main road. A couple of keepers (AKA mahouts) were walking along with the huge mammal. Trishaw drivers were weaving around them like it was just another 'private bus' cruising slowly looking to pickup that extra passenger. I noticed a few school children pointing at the animal and talking to each other in a rather excited manner. And of course a couple of stray dogs barking at the top of their voices protesting this gross violation of their territory.

I pulled to the side briefly and captured the moment on my phone cam. The entourage passed me by on the other side of the road within the next few seconds. I put my car in gear and headed back into a light traffic. In the background something was being discussed about the IPL on my favorite morning show over the car radio.

Yes, a typical Monday morning on Colombo roads.

Mayday Mayday Mayday!

It was the 1st of May or May-day! Simple interpretation – yet another holiday. The fact that there was a high probability of lesser traffic on the roads made me decide to visit Kandy and do some long outstanding social calls.

But what I didn’t bargain for is my car throwing up Air-Conditioning problems halfway on my way to Kandy. Yes, it did just that.

Over the years, Air-Conditioning (or AC) has become a vital component of some of our lives… especially with people living and working in the city. We’ve got accustomed to it so much that we find it difficult to cope in a non-AC house even for the weekend. So I had two options, either to turn back and head home or wind down my shutters and go for it. Being a member of the Male gene-pool, I chose the latter.

With hindsight, it was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made… it is right up there with me trying to conquer my fear of heights by climbing onto the cashew tree way back when I was 12 years old. My elder brother had to climb after me to get me down in that instant. I was never able to face my friends who were there that day for quite some time afterwards. But then that is another story.

The problem with holidays is just that. Just like you and me, everyone else like AC repairmen are also on holiday. So by about 2pm I was really feeling the heat. The winded down shutters blew in all sorts of smells and smoke right into and thru my car. By the end of the trip I smelled like a garbologist at a smoker’s convention.

It was an incident worthy of a Mayday call right on the 1st of May or May-day! Is that weird or what?

Three-wheels will do.

What has got three tiny wheels, has a two stroke petrol engine with barely enough horsepower to run a toy aeroplane, a handlebar from a 1970s Italian scooter and a flimsy metal cage covered with cheap vinyl? A pile of junk you say? No,.. it is what we South Asians call a trishaw (aka “poor-man’s wheels”, “tuk-tuk” or “three-wheeler”). It is one of the best things to come out of India since Sunil Gavaskar.

When used properly, the “trishaw” can be an excellent and the most efficient mode of transport on busy and congested roads of metropolitan Sri Lanka. And I emphasize the words “when used properly”! ‘Cause most often than not, they are the worst traffic offenders ever.

Ever seen a trishaw trying to overtake a vehicle which is fifteen times more powerful than itself? It ain’t a pretty sight. You can’t help feel for the poor trishaw driver… even a staunch roadhog will stop or slow down his or her car and let the trishaw move ahead before the trishaw’s engine burns out. But once in a while, one would indulge in a little game called “whatever-you-can-do, I-can-do-better”. Let’s admit it; all of us have done this at least once, right?

If there is one thing that trishaw drivers can’t seem to tolerate more than anything, it would have to be idling in traffic. The dude or dudette (come to think of it, I’ve never seen a female trishaw driver) will try to inch away into any available space, not really thinking of a way to come out of it. For some reason it always reminds me of running WinZip on my harddrive.

If you have ever traveled in one of these mobile play-houses you would have come across a whole set of new experiences. Let’s just say it would rival the scariest theme park ride you’ve ever been to, sometime complete with sounds and neon lights too. Still, it will give you a unique experience that would leave a lasting impression. Must be the reason why a certain South African cricketer nearly ended up with more than he bargained for after his trishaw ride through Colombo. Even with all the brickbats we throw at them, on a rainy and dark night, especially when you are late and don’t have your wheels with you, I’m sure you would be glad the step into a trishaw. And don’t forget, not so long ago a trishaw driver did manage to get elected as the mayor of Colombo City. So they must be doing something right.

One little piece of parting advice though; make sure you agree on a fee with the driver before you step into the trishaw.